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'Nashville' Recap: Family Secrets and Gross Hookups

By Anna Brand, Hollywood Staff

Last week on Nasvhille, our friends found themselves in a very messy place. Deacon got a dog and a girlfriend (The Vet), Juliette found a sobriety coach to bone, Lamar had a stroke or something, and Scarlett continued on as the most annoying faux blonde in existence. But if you thought things couldn't get any more buckwild, just wait: this week brought an unraveling of drama and nonsense like we've never seen before in the land of hairspray and satin sheets.

The Rayna and Everyone StoryPoor Rayna had to leave New York to be by her dad's side in Nashville, because - UGH! - he's not dead. She calls Deacon to tell him how distraught she is, but her perfect, glossy hospital hair says otherwise. Everything is going smoothly until Lamar tries to walk around the hospital like a crazy person and sees Watty in the lobby. He screams and frantically tries to punch him until the staff calms the old man down. When Rayna pulls Watty aside to get to the bottom of the freak-out, he drops a massive bomb: he had an affair of sorts with her mom. And, as a result, maybe he is Rayna's real dad. Rayna doesn't know how to handle this news, though of course she would be thrilled to know her dad is a standup dude and not a jerk with a drinking problem and an obsession with some bizarre stadium. So she widens her doe eyes, shutters her lashes, and applies some lip balm.RELATED: 'Nashville' Recap: Messy Love From New York to Nashville

Rayna needs to talk to someone, but she can't rely on her child of an ex-husband, her business-minded sister, or the nurse who appears to not give a sh*t about anybody. She needs Deacon, and Deacon comes to her side. He flies from New York just in time to lean into her freckled face and tell her he's there for her. They share a moment, as per usual, but apparently not enough of a moment for Deacon to stay with her instead of returning to The Vet. When will that story die? Alas.

The Juliette and Gunnar and Luke From The O.C. StoryJuliette like you've never seen her before: NAKED. Yep, The Pout strips out of her white lace and bares actual skin for the first time. It is weird and unsettling. Needless to say, she and Gunnar are getting along just fine, especially now that he chooses to be pantsless most of the day. (He's a briefs guy, FYI.) The only think that can possibly get in their way is crazy, cowboy hat-wearing Luke. Oh Luke. What are you doing here and not with Marissa's mom, Julie, being disgusting and pretending you're not gay? I don't like you in Nashville! But if you refuse to return to Orange County, then at least stop wrecking everything around you.Wait, remember this?

Anyway, see, Luke is so jealous of Scarlett and Gunnar because he for some reason wants to date Scarlett (or at least mess up her rats' nest hair even more than she has), so he devises a genius plan to get into her lace. He buddies up to the both of them, and when Scarlett goes to sleep, he takes out Gunnar for a game of chicken or something where they almost get killed in his car. He begins laughing maniacally and tosses his slinky hair over to one side. Everyone is scared.RELATED: Proof Scarlett on 'Nashville' Has Only One Annoying Outfit

The Teddy and Peggy StoryPeggy gets kicked out of Rayna's house when word spreads that Lamar is in the hospital. It's sad because there's a good chance she's homeless and sleeps on the street in her stewardess outfit. But, it's time for Teddy to stop being so selfish and concentrate on his family. As his daughters draw get well cards for their grandfather, Teddy prays for his death. It is sad, but it is true. Peggy calls to check in and tell him that she loves him, which is the grossest thing since the time she wore a trench coat and pearls and nothing else. Trust me. Of course he doesn't say it back because it is extremely inappropriate for her to be calling him at home while he's taking care of his kids, but she has no concept of what is normal. The most depressing of all is that Teddy trusts her. He trusts her up until the point when Rayna's sister barges in and tells him the truth: Peggy was the one who leaked those suspicious photos during the campaign. Kill Peggy.

The Juliette and Sobriety Coach StoryJuliette has spent half of this season rolling around in satin sheets, perfecting bed head, and evenly applying bronzing lotion. It's usually the same old story, but this time she's really outdone herself by roping in her mom's sobriety coach. Now that he's getting what every man on a tour feels entitled to, his work here is pretty much done. Literally. Don't mind that Juliette's mom stole a bottle of vodka from the minibar or something and threatened to drink it. Don't mind that she's on the fast track back to looney land. Don't mind that he's wearing enough hair gel to hold up a crumbling city. Dante (yes, Dante) has a new focus, and it's strictly related to Juliette's career and making her ''happy.'' He even picks an endearing nickname for her: Boss. The funny thing is, they should be trying to keep this affair a secret. After all, he is there to support her mother, and she is a professional in theory. But they don't.

They fool around in the tour van, where Avery sees them and acts as though his virgin eyes have been scorned. (He is not a virgin.) They hold hands publicly. They order randoms around in unison. All of it is shady as hell and it's really pissing Deacon off. Dante attempts to fire Avery for walking in on him and Juliette, but his plan backfires when Deacon finds out and goes batsh*t crazy. There's a whole mess of nasty words and raised voices, but like most fights, the facial hair beats the smooth cheek and Dante assumes his role. Everything could have gone back to ''normal'' after this, but then Juliette's mom molests Dante and he doesn't exactly back away which is demented and gross. Juliette decides she hates everyone, but for some reason is still fine with Dante, and so she makes him her manager. This should be just grand.

The Avery StoryThings keep getting worse for Avery, but don't you dare feel sorry for him! He doesn't deserve your pity! He's off the streets so that's good and now he's working on Rayna and Juliette's tour as a roadie. He listens to directions and loses his choker necklace like a real worker. Even Deacon is warming up to him; he helps him keep his job when Dante tries to take it away. It is very possible Avery could be teaming up with Juliette in the near future. Hopefully not in bed, although I wouldn't put it past either of them. Lord help us.[Image Credit: ABC]

Follow Anna On Twitter @thebrandedgirl

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