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Gonna Need A P.O. Box

by Nick Vitrano

I’m not a prude.  But I am a husband and a father.  And now that I have fully embraced the latter, I am ecstatic that I am no longer a Sports Illustrated subscriber.  The “swimsuit” issue was delivered to mailboxes this week and I’m entirely serious when asking: “When are folks going to have to start showing I.D. to score the swimsuit issue?”

Hey S.I. – in case your photog didn’t catch it, that mesh overlay thing isn’t hiding the fact that it’s a bit chilly in those waters.  And speaking of overlays, is it customary to wear the throw over nothing at all?  Outside of the Hedonism Resort, are swimsuit bottoms typically marketed without the top?  I mean, I know you can purchase separates, but I always thought the throw went over the suit.  Hmm…I must be wrong.  But it is weird to me that the all white throw is being used as a top in the water.  They must not know that white fabric becomes see-through when wet. 

I’m never surprised at what hits newsstands mid-February every year.  I guess I’m just a little taken aback with the general laissez faire treatment of it.  I mean, truly, the S.I. swimsuit edition is little more than sand-dusted porn.  And because it’s S.I., men across America partake in its fleshly goodness embarrassment free.  “Hey, I’m just trying to be an informed citizen of the sporting world.”

Have we become so accustomed to nudity, so desensitized to flesh, that we’re OK with this arriving sans black plastic coating?  This offering has long pushed the envelope, but at least we always knew an envelope existed – we were cognizant of when it crossed the line, and it sparked controversy unrivaled.  Today, what line did exist has been washed away with the tide.  I suppose when full frontal porn is available at the click of a mouse…heck, there’s likely an app for that…I guess the swimsuit issue is nothin’.  But the folks at S.I. are sure doing their best to keep pace.  

I don’t know.  If I still subscribed, I’d strongly consider having that baby delivered to a P.O. box.  Okay, old man out.  

Tease Image: By Sports Illustrated [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons