Being a new mom is really hard, but really fun at the same time. I can't explain the feeling of being a parent, all I can say is that it's different than any feeling you've ever had before. You love your parents, your siblings and your spouse, but the love you have for your baby is different. You love them so much your heart almost hurts. When you see that baby you created the love floods you immediately. It's like nothing you could've ever imagined. Then when you bring them home and you're on your own and you know you're 100% responsible for this little being you become overwhelmed and scared. I was so nervous and I think Josh was just as nervous as I was. Everyday that I was home with her I fell more and more in love. When she smiled for the first time I turned to mush. When I got to see her interact with a toy for the first time I was in awe. Simple things make your world seem so much brighter when you have a baby.
Josh was home with us the first week and that was wonderful. Then when he went back to work and it was just me and Mia all day and I could focus all my attention on her I was overcome with pride. The first time Josh and I both left her it was hard. All we did was talk about her all night and we left the Christmas party right after dinner. The next night was better we left her longer and managed to hold conversations with other adults about topics other than our baby. I went out by myself for a few hours and left Mia home with Josh and I had to fight the urge to show off pictures of her and tell everyone about my beautiful baby girl. The worst time away for me was our test run day. I left her for 5 hours and I spent that whole time alone. I took myself shopping, which should've been fun because you can't do that with a baby, but I was just sad. I checked in with the sitter a handful of times. I just missed her so much. Now I'm back to work and yesterday was so busy I didn't have a lot of time to miss her, but today is pretty rough. I haven't called the sitter yet, but as soon as I'm done typing this I will.
I know that working doesn't make me a bad mom, but babies are only babies once and they change so fast I don't want to miss anything. I totally understand why my mom chose to be a stay at home mom only taking temp jobs when they really needed the money. I'm so afraid that she'll roll over for the first time, crawl, take her first step or say her first word at the sitter's house and I'll miss it. There's no recreating that moment. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
Walleye Mom commented on my blog yesterday and said that "studies show children of working mother's have less behavioral health issues than children of stay-at-home mom's." I can't tell you how much I appreciated that. I have to "let go of the guilt" from yesterday's blog. But that's much easier said than done. I know it will get easier, but I think there will always be some level of guilt within me.